


(i don’t wanna love you)

by kayimnotokay



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe- Modern Setting - Freeform, F/M, Harry Potter - Freeform, High School, High School AU, Marauders, Marauders era, One-Shot, Romance, jily
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-05-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 04:00:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24268576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kayimnotokay/pseuds/kayimnotokay
Summary: Lily Evans doesn’t love James Potter...right?
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, James/Lily
Comments: 4
Kudos: 28





	(i don’t wanna love you)

Love isn’t supposed to be like this...you don’t hate them and then it becomes...something else. 

God, she would love to yell at her younger self for all the snappy retorts she’d thrown at him. They were so stupid back then. Her blood would boil at his very smile, and he would say the most arrogant things to her. They were so full of it. That teenage stupidity was very real. 

But then suddenly, they were in their 12th year, and he was helping her off the ground in front of school when she was crying because she didn’t know how she would pay for uni because her parents had recently passed the summer before. He just asked if she wanted to get a cup of hot chocolate because the wind was bitter and biting that day. He didn’t mind the fact that her eyes were puffy and red, and her nose was running like a river. They sat in silence in his car as they sipped their respective hot chocolates and listened to sappy 70s music that was playing on the radio. All crackly and muffled on account of the rain that was going to come. 

She wouldn’t have told him then, but as she sat there, she thought that this was the first time in a long time that she felt warm inside.

He dropped her off at her house and wrote his number on her paper cup. He said that if she needed anything, she could call him. And then he was just in her life ever since. She wanted so badly to say or to just know that it wasn’t right. But that was a pure lie because he fit so perfectly.

He was there talking to her in class or in the halls. Inviting her to lunch with his mates, or randomly texting her “There’s a dog here- come pet?”

She’d see him at the library with his mates, and he’d throw a paper ball at her head from across the table with the corniest jokes in the world that made her giggle at the sheer cheesiness of it all. She would tell him to stop because she really needed to study, and of course Remus would tell off James, but, deep down, she never wanted him to stop making her laugh.

She kept noticing how hazel his eyes were, and how his jet black hair was fluffy and unruly. She’d be lying to herself if she said she’d never wanted to run her hands through his hair.

Then, she was fixing his glasses for him, as it always seemed to be tottering on the tip of his nose. And, he was running up to her and hugging her from behind, and she could feel him smiling in her hair. Her heart would beat quickly because she couldn’t believe how happy she made him or he made her. They would stay there together for a while, with his head in her red hair and a silly smile on her freckled face.

And he just kept being there. They never talked about that day he helped her off the ground. He just was there for her, and she didn’t deny him. 

They hugged that night in a corner of Marlene’s Grad Party. They had drinks in hand, and they were laughing at Sirius trying to flirt with Marlene’s tipsy cousin.

“I’m going to miss this,” James suddenly said.

“Hmm?”

“I’m going to miss us being together like this.”

“Me too.”

And he stared at her that time, his eyes searching for some sort of recognition in hers, but she was scared to look back at him. Scared that this feeling was real, and even reciprocated. Scared to love someone again when all the people she loved kept leaving her life. 

She looked down to her cup and took a huge gulp before hugging him tightly. They let go, and he walked away, silent for the rest of the night. 

And now, here they were. About to go off to different universities. It was nighttime, and the air was still a little warm, breezing into the window of her childhood bedroom. Her own home felt cold without her mom and dad. There were no bright flowers in random glass jars that her mom plucked from the garden. The house didn’t smell like the sweet pastries her dad used to pick up from the quaint bakery on his drive home from work. Petunia was gone and only really talked to her icily about money. 

But he felt like home. Being with him and hugging him and smiling and laughing and crying with him. It felt like home. She was frightened of it. That feeling. She felt scared and terrified and so so vulnerable. The only people who ever really loved her were gone, and she didn’t want to feel broken like that again. Lily couldn’t even explain what she would give up to just tell her parents she loved them one last time.

As the warm breeze flew through her room, she was struck with the courage to say it to his face. She couldn’t keep her feelings on the tip of her tongue before it was too late. She made that mistake already. She had to tell him. She knew she’d lose a part of herself if she never saw him again. 

As she walked out of the house and to her car to drive to see him, she saw him sitting on the hood of her car. 

“Lily, I have to tell you something.” He stood up from the car and walked towards her.

Before he could say something else, she said, “Wait, wait no, I need to say something too. James...I’m in love with you. And I was scared to admit it at first because I couldn’t love someone else, not when I am terrified of losing them. But, I know I’m in love with you, even though I love denying it to myself. And I need to tell you this before I chicken out, and it’s too late. I don’t know what I’d do without you in my life..and I know we are both going to uni, but I’m willing to make this work because I’d do this for you a million times over, even if I might lose you. I want to try. I’ll drive to see you, and even though I don’t have gas money, I’ll get a job, and I’ll come and see you, and we can meet halfway, and it’ll be hard and difficult, but I will do it. I’ll do it.”

And then he was kissing her, so softly and sweetly. They pulled away, and he was holding her face in his hands. They hugged each other so tightly because they knew that they were so close to drifting away from one another. They could’ve lost each other, simply because she had been too scared of what they were.

**Author's Note:**

> This piece of writing just came to me in a rush...so I wrote it. Quarantine is finally inspiring me to try writing again, and I couldn’t resist some Jily. Hope you enjoyed!


End file.
